Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Age of Dumbassery

I work with a bunch of “Young’uns,” I was just about to call them “Millennials” but according to Google, a millennial is someone who reached adulthood around the year 2000. So whatever “today’s” generation has chosen to dub themselves, I work with a bunch of them. This is both fun and infuriating. It’s fun because they are just a bunch of dumb, stupid kids, and it’s infuriating because they are just a bunch of dumb, stupid kids.

I’m about to tell a story. I want to be perfectly clear that I am NOT picking on one kid. Although it’s a true story, and only one kid is involved in it, all my annoyance is not solely directed toward this young’un. If we are all on the same page, I shall proceed.

Take me to you leader

As I walked toward a gaggle of young’uns talking, I overheard the current political situation was being discussed and of course my ears perked up. I asked one of the kids (we will call him Steve*) who is probably 19 years old, who he was going to vote for. Without a moment’s hesitation he answered: Bernie Sanders. I asked why. His answer, “He is better than Trump or Hillary.” I said, I understand you don’t like those two, but what specifically about Sanders do you like? His answer, “He is going to legalize marijuana.”


Okay…so…I can almost understand being a one issue guy. Whatever the issue is. I have friends who believe the legalization of drugs is a good idea. And these aren’t drug-using types of guys. I’ve kicked it around and have decided legalization is not a good idea, I then BRILLIANTLY wrote about it. You can read the article by clicking HERE.  Putting that issue on the back burner for a minute, I just don’t see how any rational, thinking adult could look at the current political landscape, see the direction the country is heading, and think “Oh yeah, that’s my guy because THAT’S my issue.” Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate Bernie Sanders. I think he’s an idiot peddling utopian nonsense, but I believe he is a kind-hearted, well-intended idiot. The fact he has such a following with the left is enough to make my eyes roll, but that’s really not the point. “But Danny,” you whine, “what is your point?”

Why the HELL do we allow 18 year olds to vote?

Bernie Sanders - Santa

According to the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, the 26th Amendment, adopted in 1971, guaranteed the “right of citizens of the United States, who are eighteen years of age or older, to vote shall not be denied or abridged by the United States or by any State on account of age.” The main agreements (back then) for allowing these little’ins to vote was an 18 year old could drink and be conscripted into the military, so they oughta be allowed to vote. I can almost see that. Back then, if you were old enough to drink AND kill for your country you should be allowed to have a voice. HEAR, HEAR!!!

But…in 1973 they ended the draft, in 1984 congress realized 18 year olds weren’t very bright when they drank so they changed the legal drinking age to 21, and if Obamacare taught us anything it’s that you’re not officially an adult until you are 26 and can finally get off your parents insurance. Sooo…why are we allowing these little’ins with zero life experience, who don’t own property, don’t have spouses/children, don’t pay much of anything in taxes (if they do have children and earn less then 39K they get an “Earned Income Tax credit – so they not only don’t pay in to the system, THEY GET MONEY BACK), and many of the kids between 18 and 26 don’t even have jobs (thanks to the floppy eared President they are so proud to have supported, wrecking the economy.)

Book of Obama's accomplishments

What I have instinctively known for years, science has now proven. Human brains are not fully developed until the age of 25. Young people are particularly deficient in the development of their frontal lobes (prefrontal cortex), which control decision-making, complex/rational thinking, judgment, the ability to plan ahead, and resisting impulses. “Adults over the age of 25 tend to feel less sensitive to the influence of peer pressure and have a much easier time handling it.”

So we have the Bernie Sanders of the world promising FREE everything and these non-fully-developed-brained-little’in are sucking it up. Then, of course, we have just under half of the liberals with fully-developed brains, but clearly not fully functioning, jumping on the “Everything is FREE” train as well. As a grown up, I KNOW there is no such thing as a free lunch. There is no such thing as a free anything. Someone always pays. These cute little doey-eyed little-in’s are blissfully unaware they are going to be footing the bill for all these “free” goodies for the rest of their lives.

How can they not see that?

*his real name is Logan


LIFEZILLA:  I proudly test ALL my articles on animals.

Understanding Liberal Politics  Socialism Pros and cons of Trump and Hillary

George Washington – A Terrorist?!?!?!

George Washington – A Terrorist?!?!?!

So the other day I was working in my office, minding my own business, when I received a text from my 16 year old son. It said, “So apparently George Washington was a terrorist…Screw world civ!” He later said his teacher believed Washington was amazing but, “If you look at the definition of terrorism, the American Revolutionary war would fall into that definition.”

I’m telling you. It is crap like that which makes me wish I was born with just middle fingers.

I text him a short list of the reasons why the American Revolution is nothing like terrorism.   Later that night he said he was the only one in his class who defended Washington, and he believed, was the only one who had a brain in his head. He said he could tell the other students were sucking it up.


For fun I went to the source of all knowledge, Google, and typed “Define: Terrorist.” Google defines it as, “a person who uses terrorism in the pursuit of political aims.” That obviously didn’t clear anything up so I asked for the definition of terrorism, which read, “the use of violence and intimidation in the pursuit of political aims.” I’m not sure how anyone with half a brain stem could lump George Washington, or any of the founding fathers into that category.

But then again, I’m not a liberal.

If I try to look at the history of the Revolutionary War through the paradigm of a whiny liberal – the word “paradigm” here is a fancy way of saying “the warped lens in which you view the world,” – (also, for my liberal friends, in the word paradigm, the “g” is silent) the ONLY incident that could vaguely have a terroristic line drawn in comparison is the Boston Tea party. But even that is a HUGE stretch.

If you’re like most American’s, everything you know about the Boston Tea party you probably learned, as a child, from watching “Mary Poppins.” Here is a recap:

Mr. Dawes Jr: In 1773, an official of this bank unwisely loaned a large sum of money to finance a shipment of tea to the American colonies. Do you know what happened?

George W. Banks: Yes, sir. Yes, I think I do. As the ship lay anchored in Boston Harbor, a party of the colonists dressed as red Indians boarded the vessel, behaved very rudely, and threw all the tea overboard. This made the tea unsuitable for drinking. Even for Americans.

“Behaved very rudely” and talking a seventeen year old to strap a bomb to himself and detonating it in a crowded market place are two entirely different things.

Most of the Founding Fathers condemned the Boston Tea party. George Washington disapproved. Benjamin Franklin demanded the “India Tea Company” be reimbursed for the destruction of the tea. Both American and British supporters of American independence, such as Edmund Burke, thought the Tea Party set back the cause.

Meric on three

Even the Founders who defended the raid had class. Paul Revere, who led the raid, exclusively to protest a new British tea tax, made sure to replace a broken lock on one of the ships. The British sailors from the ships confirmed, none of them were hurt, nothing was vandalized, and the protesters even swept the decks clean after the tea was destroyed.

Still, the raid was considered such an embarrassment to many of our founding fathers, it wasn’t celebrated for another 50 years.

Like I said…It’s a stretch.

“But Danny,” you whine, “what about George Washington?”

Washington was a hero and a patriot. The only negative title you could put on him that might stick is he was a traitor to the crown of England. As a young man he fought with distinction and honor in the Battle of Monongahela where he was so exposed to enemy fire his coat was pierced by four musket balls and he had two horses shot from underneath him. It’s hard to imagine the same person hiding behind a tree, detonating a bomb and then fleeing the crime scene.

One of the examples my son gave me of the “evidence” regarding Washington’s terrorism is when he crossed the Delaware  and surprised, and defeated the Hessian forces. So I guess if an army attacks another army it terrorism?


The Declaration of the Cause and Necessity of Taking Up Arms states, “We, for ten years, incessantly and ineffectually besieged the Throne as supplicants; we reasoned, we remonstrated with Parliament, in the most mild and decent language.” For ten years. TEN. Then when the Founders did the truly revolutionary thing, three years after the Boston Tea Party, they signed the Declaration of Independence. In this document they describe with logic and reason, and in blindingly clear terms, their complaints against the Crown, the rights that had been infringed upon, their earlier attempts for resolution and an appeal to the Supreme Judge of the world for independence.

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.—That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed,—That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government…”

Those are Jefferson’s words, but Washington embraced them whole-heartedly. Are they the words or beliefs of a terrorist?



LIFEZILLA: Where else can I go to spew my nonsensical diatribe and dumbassery?  My wife and kids stopped listening to me YEARS ago!

isisRights Reagan Quote - Find Young People





Hey!! Leave that Bully Alone!!!

So the wife and I went to Sears the other night.  Before checking out I noticed a sign in the middle of the aisle.  I wasn’t clever enough to take a picture of it (I wish I had).  I went to Sears website today and did a screen shot of basically what the sign in the aisle said:

Bully 1Sears is just the latest company, I’ve noticed, jumping one the Anti-Bullying theme.  Generally speaking, I’m an Anti-Anti.  I’m against any movement which is against anything.  But I’ve had a hard time being Anti-the-anti-bully-movement.  Why?  I HATE bullies.

Hate them.

Let me give you a quick self-pity story.

When I was a young lad of 13/14 two things happened nearly in conjunction with each other.  The first: I was TERRORIZED by this kid at my school.  He made it his mission in life to be the bane of my existence.  Every time he saw me he would give me a “Dead leg.”  That’s where you knee someone, really hard, in the side of the thigh between front and back muscles.  If you knee them correctly their leg will go numb.  It hurts.

I hated this kid with the white hot intensity of a thousand suns.  HATED HIM.  This guy wasn’t an asshole, he was an assCANYON.  If we ever made eye contact, and he wasn’t able to give me a dead leg, he would menacingly smile and point at me.  He always wore the same 80’s Powder Jacket.  I loathed him.

The second thing that happened is the original “Karate Kid” movie was released.  Ohhhhh…how this young “Daniel-son” used to stay up at night fantasying about getting a dead leg and then using the Mr. Miyagi taught “Crane Technique” and kicking my terrorizer in the face, thus securing the love and respect from my peers and, of course, the affections of the (non-existent) hot cheerleader who had befriended me.   Then, while basking in the joy of being surrounded by my adoring fans I would stretch out my arm and use the force to help my foe up off the ground.

It was a brilliant plan.

So one day I was in the bathroom alone.  And HE came in.  I didn’t know it was he who had entered the restroom because I was using the urinal.  You learn early on as a boy to not overt your eyes away from the spot on the wall right in front of you.  Standing there, with my unit in my hand, this guy snuck up behind me and gave me the biggest dead leg I have ever had.  I literally saw a flash of light.  As his laughter reverberated off the walls of the restroom, I put “little Danny” back in my pants and decided this was my chance.  I was going to Mr. Miyagi all over this guy.  But instead of employing the floppy-wrist, tippy-toed, crotch exposing maneuver which is “The Crane Technique” I went a different route.  I feigned a demonic possession and went after him like a spider monkey.

I distinctly remember how his face looked as I spastically flailed my arms toward him.  It was not the look of fear, not even close.  It was the look of confusion.  He easily swatted off my attempts of hitting him.  Hit me once in the stomach, knocking the wind out of me, and walked out of the bathroom.

But… he never gave me a dead leg again.

There’s a lesson there children.  I’m not really sure what it is, but I’m sure there is one.

So…back to Sears.  When I saw this sign that claimed that 160,000 students miss school everyday because of bullying my first thought was “who pulled that statistic out of their butt?” and then my brain said, “…Annnnnnnd I’m done” I am now officially finished being bullied about being anti-bully.

In my little, right-leaning brain, I think all we are doing to teaching kids that it’s okay to be victims.  We are also redefining what a bully is.  My fourteen year old arch nemesis was a bully.  A few years later, the guy who made it his mission to make fun of me everyday of my Junior year was (and probably still is) a jackass.  There’s a difference.  How I dealt with that guy is another story for another day.

When I was a kid the purveying wisdom was “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.”  Now it’s:

Bully 2

Now, to be clear, I hate bullies.  I don’t have a problem teaching kids that it’s appropriate to stand together against them.  But this whole “movement” has gone a little too far.

I’m anti-bully.  But I’m more anti-teaching-our-kids-to-be-pansies.


LIFEZILLA:  I’m not fat.  My stomach is 3D.



Something bad






Justice Dept: Mirandize ’em all and let God sort it out

Several brilliantly written articles ago I had a friend who shared a link to my site on her Facebook page. Because I was tagged I was able to view the conversations back and forth between her and one of her friends.  In the conversation my friend’s friend referred to me, your humble narrator, as a woman not once, but twice.  Me?  As a woman?   When my friend corrected her as to my gender she said something to the effect of, “Well, his writing and his site are very feminine.”  Gasp.  GASP!!!  Feminine?  Moi?   I was so offended I was tempted to climb on my Vespa, drive to her residence and smack her with my whimsical floral print tote.  But I decided to take the high road and forgive her (despite my best “sherlocking” I was unable to find out where she lived).

So, in an attempt to MAN this article up a little bit, I will try farting several times while typing it.  Please don’t be offended.

Several days ago I was driving to work and did something I haven’t done in months.  I listened to Glenn Beck.  It was obvious, as I listened, that Glenn was upset because 19-year-old suspected Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev hadn’t been read his Miranda warning yet.

Since the time of my listening, the Obama administration has made the decision NOT to try this guy as a military combatant.  Tsarnaey has been read his rights and has stopped talking.  The administration sent Press Secretary and apologist Jay Carney out with this statement:

“He will not be treated as an enemy combatant. We will prosecute this terrorist through our civilian system of justice… So this is absolutely the right way to go and the appropriate way to go. And when it comes to United States citizens, it is against the law to try them in military commissions.”

So it appears both Glenn Beck and the Obama administration are in agreement.

I’m not sure I agree.


I can see Beck’s point of view.  I agree with putting restraints on the Government.  That is the point of the Bill of Rights.  And I’m not calling Carney a liar (this time), but he is completely wrong.

Let me explain.  Six months after the bombing of Pearl Harbor (1942) the Supreme Court upheld the use of military tribunals for eight German spies captured on US soil, two of whom were United States citizens.  In this case Ex parte Quirin the court found that where suspected enemies have entered (or after entry) engaged in acts of belligerency against the United States, military tribunals were appropriate.  The Supreme Court unanimously decided Quirin in less than twenty-four hours.  Three days after the Court’s decision a military tribunal found the saboteurs guilty.  Five days after that, six of the eight were executed including Herbert Hans Haupt, a US citizen.  Only the two who ratted out the plot to the FBI were given prison sentences.

Because I’m the stupidest person I know, I hate to be the one who has to point out the blatantly obvious (especially when just the obvious will do).  We are at war.  We have been at war since thousands of Americans were attacked and killed, without warning, on September 11, 2001. In case some of you were unaware of this fact President George Bush told us (in one of his best speeches ever) we were at war in a joint session of Congress shortly  after 9/11.  “On September the 11th, enemies of freedom committed an act of war against our country.”

In other words, you cute little buggers, the President does have the authority to have those suspected of belligerence against the United States tried in military tribunals, even if they are citizens of the United States.  Because we live in a land of checks and balances, if Congress has an issue with this, the Constitution gives it two choices.  It can cut off funding, or impeach the President.  It is not against the law as Carney and Beck suggest.

Quick side note: Is it just me or has everyone noticed there has been a huge absence of polls regarding the use of military tribunals?  What’s up with that?  As Americans, we are inundated with polls on every imaginable topic, but on this, silence.  As a rule of thumb whenever polls are NOT being taken on a particular subject your walls of defense should go up.  Somewhere there is a big, fat, commie rat.



Do I think this 19 year old is the mastermind behind the Boston Bombings?  NO.  Do I think we could have gotten more information from the guy had the Justice Department not stopped the investigation?  Yes.  Will we be able to get intelligence of other radicalized Muslims from this guy, now?  I doubt it.  Do I think he should be put to death for his role in the bombings?  Absolutely. In the current judicial system it could take YEARS before this guy is brought to justice.  I guarantee in the coming months we are going to have to hear about this young man’s feelings being hurt because a teacher or fellow student couldn’t pronounce his name, or some bull crap like that.  Reporter Bob Woodward has already said the Boston bombings were “not that big of an event,” as if we need to have 5000 die to set the new watermark.  We are already having to endure crap like this headline: “Budget Cuts Could Delay ‘Boston Bomber’ Trial”   Makes me crazy!!!  It is stupid, stupid, stupid.

I’m not sure if the President is afraid of trying this guy with the military, or is this just one more example of the pussification of America.  Our enemies already view us as a paper tiger.  Putting this scared little, baby faced, 19-year-old (guilty as sin) boy to death swiftly will show the world we take care of our own, and more than likely deter future acts of terrorism.  Let’s pull up our big boy pants and make some hard decisions.


LIFEZILLA: A doughnut a day keeps the ads away.

Ban Bombs

First Responders



North Korea

I just stepped outside the office and aimed the rubber band on my finger due west.

Your move, North Korea.


North Korea 2


North Korea



The Straw Man President

By Josh Loveless 2014 Candidate for U.S. Congress (State of Texas, 3rd District)


Many who don’t know me well might be surprised to learn that in high school I was quite the accomplished debater and orator.  I have box full of local, state, and national awards, trophies, and medals somewhere in storage.  And that doesn’t include the ones that my team mate and I earned while practically refilling an entire trophy cabinet by ourselves over two years.

For those who’ve never tried it, debate is an art form.  It is built on logic, but is effused with human emotion.  It can be both highly infuriating and highly rewarding in the same moment.  I had a formidable reputation as a result of having brought some of the best debaters in the state to tears.  Sometimes these were tears of frustration, and at other times tears of laughter.  But I learned something very important during those debates:

Truth, logic, and right thinking don’t always win the public.

It’s a sad, but a true fact.  The best debaters learn very early on that even though facts and logical argumentation are important, they’re not nearly as important as style, dramatic presentation, and conveying conviction.  It’s something you are forced to take into your core.  This is because you will be forced (and often) to defend a position you do not agree with, one that may even be diametrically opposed to your beliefs.  It was in these debates that I am sad to say I was the most effective.

I did this by creating very specific arguments that were intentionally infuriating logical fallacies, so effective that they could not be ignored.  My opponents would then attack these arguments while ignoring certain facts, or making themselves look ridiculous.  In debate, or in philosophy, this is known as a straw man.  The Brits across the pond call it an Aunt Sally.  The structure of a straw man goes like this:

You take position 1 (For example: Excessive eating of calories can lead to obesity, therefore we should limit the number of calories we eat).

Opponent takes position 2, an intentionally distorted version of position 1 (For example:  If people don’t eat enough calories they could starve, therefore your true desire is to starve people to death).

There are many ways to make this work, this is just the most basic example.  You can read more about straw men arguments in all their flavors here on Wikipedia.

The Scarecrow scared

Notice that in the straw man used above your opponent never actually addresses your contention or conclusion.  The facts and logic are ignored and the argument instead becomes about you, or your fight with an imaginary opponent.  That is the real trick to winning with straw men.  When you know you are using a logical fallacy to win, you have to make that fallacy so personal, so salacious, and so insidious that your opponent appears to have no choice but to address it.

If you let it stand that you wish to murder people by limiting what they eat until starvation, well then everything else you say for the rest of the debate is suspect.  Thus you end up attacking something that isn’t real, or in other words a man made of straw.  The more calm, cool, and collected your opponent is when delivering the fallacy, the more likely people are to believe it is true.  The debate then becomes a matter of emotion, while fact and logic are forgotten (at least until it is most convenient).

You’ve probably recognized straw man tactics before in our national discourse.  It’s the oldest trick in the politician’s playbook.  Make no mistake, this tactic is used by both sides of the aisle.  However, I am shocked by how excessive the use of straw men has become, especially by our president.

Barack Obama’s entire 2012 campaign against Mitt Romney was a series of straw man arguments that were propped up by the press.  Here’s an example:

Mitt Romney chooses not to release complete versions of his tax returns for a small number of years.  The Obama campaign (and surrogate Harry Reid) first says this is dishonest, and then begins to ‘calmly’ imply that the reason is clearly because Romney is a tax cheat and a felon.  Instead of debating the merits of Romney’s proposals, or Obama’s record, the national discussion turned to Mr. Romney’s supposed crimes.  It even went so far that media elitists issued rewards for anyone willing to release Romney’s financial documents or implicate him in a crime.

Since winning the election the logical fallacies have not been mitigated, instead they appear to have multiplied.  The President has made straw men out of nearly every major issue facing America today.  His entire Inaugural Address was a series of these types of arguments, even sometimes contradicting himself.  The following quote is merely one example:

“We must make the hard choices to reduce the cost of health care and the size of our deficit (true). But we reject the belief that America must choose between caring for the generation that built this country and investing in the generation that will build its future (fallacy),”- Barack Obama (parenthetical comments were added by me).

This argument implies that his political opponents have taken a position stating we must in fact choose between our children or our grandparents; that conservatives are ‘chomping at the bit’ to sacrifice one for the other.  This entire premise is false.  Congressional Republicans are not currently seeking any repeal of entitlement programs with the exception of Obamacare.  They are however suggesting that we must shore up the weaknesses of these programs; reign in the spending, and make them more effective.  Or contrariwise we can do nothing and watch them fail.  That is the real argument facing America.

As a seasoned debater I can tell you there are typically three situations in which someone will use a straw man argument:

  1. You do not understand your opponent’s argument, or have no logical or evidentiary counterargument that can stand on its own.  You strongly believe you are right, but don’t know how to back it up.   To win you must instead crush your opponent by making him or her so emotional that no one listens to the actual argument.
  2. You wish to distract your opponent.  During the distraction you may submit an occasional, potentially valid, position (usually some sort of heavy disadvantage) that is lost on your opponent because they are too focused on the insidiousness of the straw man.
  3. You are forced to defend a position you don’t believe and you know what you truly believe is unacceptable to the judging party.

It is my opinion that all three of these reasons are the drivers behind the way Obama addresses his opponents.    It is his intention to crush Republicans and win the argument, regardless of the consequences.   The ends justify the means.

Despite their potential effectiveness there is a serious danger in using straw men.  If your opponent or the judging party is trained to recognize these types of attacks you lose complete credibility.  You in fact become a man made of straw to them because you clearly have no valid counterargument, you clearly do not express your core beliefs.  Any straw man can be easily burned to the ground or blown away.

Barack Obama is a man clearly made of straw arguments.  Not in his two campaigns, nor in the last four years, has he offered a single acceptable plan for tackling our nation’s biggest problems (even to his own party).  The U.S. Senate hasn’t passed a budget in over four years.  That doesn’t mean it hasn’t debated a budget.  The White House has submitted a proposed budget each of these years, and each year it has been so thoroughly rejected by both parties that it is a running gag.  In fact, Obama’s last budget proposal was rejected by the Senate 99-0.  Not a single vote in the affirmative, not even from Harry Reid.

Republicans need to learn how to address these straw men in the correct way.  To win against these kinds of tactics we first have to learn to recognize them.  Once we see the straw man we must never, ever, take the bait and debate the fallacy.  Instead we need to clearly point out that the President has said nothing.  That he has not addressed the problem surrounding the argument, and has clearly offered no plan to abate it.  We need to show the people what is actually in the President’ proposals, calmly and coolly, and then let the American people decide if they like them.

I think if we took this approach, never allowing the debate to become personal, I believe Obama’s policies would be rejected by the majority of Americans.  Instead, by attacking Obama personally, by getting overly emotional about our declining rights and values, we play right into his hands.  When we play into his hands the media is sure to make us look like the illogical, dangerous, fanatical, racist, war mongers his party has painted us into.

Straw Man 1



Just Some House Cleaning…

Just Some House Cleaning…

I just want to put somethings into perspective.


photo 2

photo 3

photo 4

photo 2(1)

My Thoughts on Valentine’s Day – Redone

So I’m totally going to plagiarize myself.  I posted this last year.  I think my site was two days old, I would be surprised if five people read it.  Reading over it now I still think it is kind of funny, but there is a bunch I would change, and I was half tempted too today.  I would have worked in something like how kissing is shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise, or how loud obnoxious snoring is my body’s natural way of fighting off affection, or how the difference between love and sex is sex relieves tension and love causes it, or how panties are over priced wrapping paper, or how I think about sex every3.14 seconds (OHMIGOSH…I’m Pi-Sexual!!!) or…bluh, bluh, bluh.

But in the end I decided to keep it as it was.

I hope you like it.

My Thoughts on Valentine’s Day – Redone

First of all, I love my wife.  Second of all, I hate Valentine’s Day.  HATE IT.  To me Valentine’s Day isn’t a foo-foo lacy day, filled with pink hearts that ends up with the two of you doing “married things.”  To me it is a day filled with a constant reminder of how I’m a screw up when it comes to love.  Where, if I’m LUCKY, we end up doing “married things.”

Jim Gaffigan said it best when, talking about a pitch for Valentines day, he said, “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?”

No gift is appropriate.  No gift is the right one.  As a man I naturally want my wife in lingerie 24/7.  To me it is in similitude to wrapping presents during Christmas.  My theory being that it is fun to unwrap them (wicked grin).  PFFFFFFFFFF. . . yeah right. It took my new bride (lo those many years ago) about two seconds to explain to me that I’m only giving a gift to myself.

But Valentine’s Day is fun when you are teenager.  I remember one time a girl I was kinda dating made me one of the big poster-board signs with candy bars all over it with the names of the bars tying a sentence together.  Like this:

Hey “Sweet Tart” it would be worth a “100 Grand” if we blah blah blah.  You get the point.

Now, I have only been in one serious relationship, and I married her.  So I never went through the “break up” drama.  But I always thought it would be fun to break-up using this same concept.  Of course if you’re breaking up why confine yourself to only the candy aisle?  I say use the whole store.

“Lettuce” call it like it is.  I know you think you’re a “Rock Star” but really you’re more of a “Monster.”  So let’s take that “Red Bull” face of yours and put it back in the “Vault.”  I look at your body and “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”  I mean just look at your nasty “Mounds”.  Your “eggs” are past the expiration date, and your “Milk” has gone sour.  It is seriously a “Country Crock” and gives me the “Snickers” that you believe it would ONLY take a “100 Grand” to get your “Tub O’ Lard” to “Slim Fast.”  I don’t want to ever see you again, not “Now or Later.”

Seriously, don’t you think that would be a fun way to break up?

LIFEZILLA:  Valentine’s Day, when you care to give her the very best…once a year… grudgingly…because, really, after the hints and nagging, you had no choice.

My wife is actually really good about Valentine’s day.  I LOVE HER SOOOO MUCH.


be my RED



Anyone who knows me knows I’m a normal guy.  In fact, I hate to brag, but I’m average in everyway.  I have zero marketable skills.  You know what, now that I think about it, not once have my younger siblings thanked me for how low I set the bar for them.  “But Danny,” you whine, “you enjoy writing”.  That is true.  I’ll give you that one.  I do enjoy writing.  But I wouldn’t say I’m good at it.  I’m okay.  I’m a blogger’s equivalent of a “Wendy’s value meal”. Really, a trained monkey could write like I do.  In fact, the other night I fell asleep with my head on my keyboard, and when I woke up I had written a “Twilight” novel.

In personal news:  Lifezilla will be one year old on the 15th of this month.  Yeah!!!  I’m pretty excited.  On the 16th I’ll finally be able to take off the train bra…er…wheels.  I said wheels.  I SAID TRAINING WHEELS!!!

Just come as you are

I’m still trying to figure out how to manage the “website” thing.  It seems I hate every other change I make.  I did create a new Lifezilla Facebook page.  I have a personal Facebook page were I regularly post my miscellaneous rantings, ravings, quick thoughts, or whatnots.  But I want to inflect my dumbery to a bigger audience so I’m hoping I can sweet talk to you into liking my page.  I envision it’ll be like a unstop party full of people taking breaks from stalking exs, tossing ticked off birds into walls or tending their virtual farm.  Just imagine a site full of people who ought to be working, talking to their kids, or improving their relationship with their spouse, but are simply too jaded, bored, or bitter to bother exerting themselves. Serious, don’t those people sound like the people you should be hanging with? (What? It just sounds like your family and co-workers? The ones you’re already sick to death of because they’re such killjoys about everything?  Well, come on over then!!!!  I’ve got brand new killjoys you’ve never even met before!)

It’ll be fun.  You know you want too.

LIFEZILLA:  I swear I love every single some of you.


That is Soooo Gay

That is Soooo Gay

Apparently the Boy Scouts of America (BSA) is considering lifting its ban on gay leaders.  I have thoughts on this.  But before I launch into my thoughts I want to give you some background.  For full disclosure, I’m an Eagle Scout.  I’m a father of four boys; two of them have earned their Eagle.  I suspect the other two will as well.  I have been involved in Scouting for much of my adult life.  I was a Scout master for six years, and I am currently a Cubmaster.  I have never been employed by the BSA.  I am not a spokesperson for them, nor am I a spokesperson for the church that sponsors the Scouting organization I’m involved in. The opinions I express here are my own.


I am sensitive to the feelings of members of the gay community.  I have a member of my immediate family who is lesbian, and a member of my extended family who is gay.

In my latest BRILLIANTLY written article I said, “I’m a Conservative: as such, I don’t care about other adults.  I expect other adults to care about themselves.”  I want you to know that this applies to ones sexual orientation as well.  It would be impossible for me to care less who consenting adults sleep with.  I don’t care. The only thing that bothers me, as far as someone’s sexuality, is if you throw children or animals into the mix.  If you are the pedophile you should be thrown in jail forever and if you’re into animals (literally or figuratively) you need therapy.

“But Danny,” you whine, “just because someone is gay doesn’t mean they are attracted to children.”  Ummm…ya.  I didn’t say they were.  In fact, I want you to know that I completely agree with that statement.  100%.  There is not a gay man alive who is more attracted to men than I am to women.  Not one.  I look at men around my age chasing after young women (early twenties) and I think they are idiots.  To me a woman isn’t a woman until she is in her late twenties.  (Quick side note: this is one of the reasons the Islamic faith doesn’t appeal to me.  The idea of spending the eternities with 70 virgins sound like a nightmare.  Promise me 70 porn stars and we’ll talk.  I would rather be taught stuff.  Ya know?)  So if I, as a straight man, know I’m not attracted to young women or girls, why wouldn’t I extend the same courtesy toward gay men?  Do I believe there are gay men who are also attracted to boys?  Absolutely.  Just like there are straight men attracted to boys.

So now that we have established a baseline, I’m almost ready to get to my point.  I just need to say this.  As you know I have been involved in Scouting a while.  As such I believe I can speak with authority when I say it is a major, major pain in the butt.  Is it rewarding?  Yes.  But you have to sift through a grotto of fossilized bat dung to find the one little nugget of reward.  Most of the time it is PAINFUL.  I question the sincerity of the members of GLAAD (Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation) and the members of Scouts for Equality.  I doubt that they are really interested in investing the time it takes to be a good scout leaders.  They just want to make a point.  My guess is if the BSA lifted the ban tomorrow they would wave their rainbow flag and never be heard from again.


When camping there are rules that have to be followed.  No adult leader can be in a tent with a Scout unless you are the parent or legal guardian of the young man.  If said parent is sleeping in the same tent as a scout, no other adult leader is allowed in the tent.  I believe these rules are brilliant.

Now let’s turn this 180 degrees. Let’s say I’m a male leader of a girls camp group.  Would it be appropriate to sleep in the same tent as them?  No, it wouldn’t.  Hey, wait a minute, we have already established that I’m not attracted to girls.  So what’s the problem?  Okay, fine, whatever.  I get it, I’ll just sleep in the same tent as little Becky Sue’s mom.  Wait, what?   That’s not appropriate either?  Why not?

Because it’s not appropriate.  That’s it. As a straight man I instinctively get that.  Why wouldn’t gay men extend the same courtesy?

Scouting isn’t the place for social engineering.  Scouting is about teaching young boys to be men.  Real men are: Trustworthy, Loyal, Helpful, Friendly, Courteous, Kind, Obedient, Cheerful, Thrifty, Brave, Clean, and Reverent (Scout Law).  Real men “Do a Good Turn Daily” (Scout slogan).  Real men believe they should “Be Prepared” (Scout motto).  Can you be a gay man and exemplify these qualities?  Of course.

Let boys be boys.  Sex has no place in Scouting.  Gay or Straight.


LIFEZILLA:  How old do I have to be before I get this “adult super-vision” everybody insists I need?  It sounds awesome.

If you are interested I wrote about a funny scouting experience HERE

Character Counts

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