Tag Archives: Christmas

Memory Lane

Memory Lane

Before I launch into today’s article, I hope you all had an inoffensive politically correct seasonal period of celebratory behavior with variations of traditions and significance!!!  Errrr…I’m sorry.  I hope you all had the Merriest of Christmas’.

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In the “Personal History” category, I thought I would go down memory lane with you.  Many, many years ago the company I work for purchased a program were I could, from my computer, fax my customers a monthly newsletter.  I would write little witty articles about what was going on at work and set the program to fax them after midnight (when the rates were the cheapest), so my customers would have them when they got to the office.

And then when we finally got email,  I would do the same thing, only in email form.  I would have a business related article and then I started adding witty little stories to the article that had NOTHING to do with business.  It was SOOOOO MUCH FUN.

Many years ago I wrote a few things regarding “New Years Resolutions”.  I’m just going to pretty much copy and paste it here.  I changed the dates, removed a name and updated some things, but it is pretty much the same.

I hope you have a happy New Year.

Calvin

New Year’s Resolutions

Shhhhhhh. . . Can you keep a secret?  If you are in an office like mine, then you probably have one of those annoying co-workers who carefully records his New Year’s resolutions, and then, 4 months from now, ridicules those of us who didn’t follow through on our own.  Well, this year I’m outsmarting him.  I’m telling him my resolution this year is “abstinence.”   Moooowahahahaha, let’s see him make fun of me if I happen to get lucky.

I actually do believe in setting goals, and making New Year’s resolutions.  Anyone who knows me knows “Self Improvement” is almost an obsession.  From the time I was a wee little lad my mother taught that “a goal not written down is only a wish.”  So with that in mind I thought I would take this opportunity to chronicle my goals and resolutions for the year 2013.

I resolve:

To exercise less  – Total waste of time

To watch more TV – I’m missing a lot of good stuff

To use my credit cards more often and for bigger purchases – It ticks me off my neighbors have better stuff than I do.

To stop eating fudge, after just these 15 more pieces.  Maybe 20.

To “scoop poop” in the yard BEFORE the Humane Society sends a cease and desist letter.

Too pay bester attension too my speeling and grammer.

To exceed the office “Annual Fitness Goal” by striving to be 7.63% fatter, thus wresting away the good parking spot from that “Slack bastard” I work with.  You know what?  I am not sure I understand the Fitness goals.

To finally get that flatulence-emission reduction surgery. . . . Again.

To be a more caring and attentive father to little What’s-His-Face over there.

To stop basing all my personal decisions on things I learn from watching “Jersey Shore.”

To appear on COPS again, this time wearing a shirt.

To give a little more to Charity. . .thus ensuring her continued silence to the wife.   —–TOTALLY JOKING!!!!

To consider all people worthy of equal attention, no matter how distant they may be. Including that hottie on the 18th floor of the apartment building three blocks away who never uses curtains, especially now that I’ve recently given myself a telescope for Christmas.

To do a better job of keeping the Five Commandments.

To pay less attention to the voices in my head and more attention to the SWAT team surrounding the building. (What the. . . ? You’re kidding me, right?  I don’t know why you’re being all pissy.  I told you I was going to write it down.  You seriously can’t be mad at me.  Oh, that’s reeeeeally mature, ha ha ha, let’s ALL repeat exactly what I’m saying.  Shhhh, all of you!!!  I think they’re still here. Quick!!!  Everyone act natural.  I don’t know!  Like THEY are.  All of you shut up!!!!!)

Pfffffffff.  I’m telling you.  I told them not to do it.  I just haven’t been the same since they took away my blankie.

Hey, now that Christmas is over, can we all agree that the Christmas song, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is really not so much a song about Christmas as it is about date rape?  I’m serious.  Google the words.

LIFEZILLA:  Your favorite website to “make-out with” on New Year’s Eve.

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PEOPLE

 

CAUTION!!! This Contains Adult Content!!

CAUTION!!!  This Contains Adult Content!!

Seriously, invite any and all children to leave the room.  I’ll wait.

Okay.  Is the door locked?  Go make sure.  Pfffffffffffffffffffff…this is scandalous.

Before I launch into the grown up stuff, let me give you a hypothetical.  (The word hypothetical is a fancy way of saying “a story that never really happened”).  Let’s say you are in line at a Wendy’s.  For some reason they are really busy and you strike up a conversation with the guy behind you.  The guy looks like he is about your same age.  He is dressed nice and you see he drives a nice car.  He is also very articulate; a fairly normal guy.  In the course of the conversation he enthusiastically mentions that the Tooth Fairy recently visited his house.  You look around and it is obvious there are no kids of his within ear shot.  The conversation continues and he again mentions the Tooth Fairy.  You look around again and tell him, “You know there is no such thing as the Tooth Fairy, right?”  “Oh no,” he answers, “The Tooth Fairy is very real.  She comes to our house at night and leaves a dollar, a $1.25 if the tooth is really clean.  We love the Tooth Fairy.”

Now any normal, rational adult would smile and say, “That’s great.  I’m glad that makes you happy,” and walk away.  Right?

Now for the scandalous grown up stuff.  Shhhhh…come here…I’ll whisper it…there is no such thing as a Tooth Fairy.

There’s not. There isn’t a mystical creature that breaks into your home to fulfill some weird obsession to collect milk teeth.  I have four kids.  I have been the Tooth Fairy.  I’ve even had late night panics where I have stolen money from one kid to pay for the disembodied tooth.

But if my hypothetical friend wants to believe, and it makes him happy, what is that to me?  As a rational adult, wouldn’t I just smile, smugly secure that I’m intellectually superior to my fairy believing friend?  Would I fall to the ground screaming, weeping, wailing and gnashing my teeth?  Would I form an organization dedicated to eradicating all signs of the tooth fairy from every aspect of the community?  No.  A rational person would not.

So, my question is:  If you, as a rational adult, have concluded and elevated God and the Tooth Fairy to the same level, why would you fight it?

Why is it, that every Christmas, there are stories of groups suing the community (city, county, state) to remove Christ out of Christmas?  Let’s say you don’t believe Jesus was the Son of God.  There is no doubt he was the most influential man in all history.  He was a great man and a great teacher.  We have days celebrating, and in remembrance, of great people all through the year.  So why not Jesus?

Could it be that Christians, because of the whole “turn the other cheek” thing are easy targets?  We don’t fight back.  I think so.  I’ll let you in on another secret, and I won’t whisper this one.  There is nothing in the Gospel of Jesus Christ that says you have to be a door mat for anyone.  I’m not saying fight back with your fists.  Just don’t put up with the tomfoolery.

“But, Danny,” you whine, “what about the separation of church and state?”  Honestly.  I just rolled my eyes so hard I think I threw my neck out.  There is no state sanctioned religion in the United States.  No one is dragging anyone to church.  No one is being fined, or thrown in prison for not going.   You can worship who, where, or what you want in America.  Or not.  That’s one of the things that makes America great.  It’s the mutual respect of another’s beliefs.

In my humble opinion, the fact that some people equate God and the tooth fairy as the same, and are so venomously opposed to the mention of God in any context, proves His existence.

Now, for full disclosure, I believe in God.  I believe He is the Father of our spirits.  I believe we were created in His image and that Jesus is his literal Son.  That Jesus, as a baby, inherited from both parents certain characteristics.  From his eternal Father, Jesus inherited immortality, from his mother, Jesus inherited mortality.  From his mother Jesus inherited the requirement or obligation to die, from his Father the power to rise again.

At Christmastime we pause and reflect upon his birth.  It’s kind of funny.  His birth, although unique and important, isn’t the most important part of his life.  It’s the start.  The most important parts are his teachings, his suffering, his death and his resurrection.

Christ was born like all of us, innocent and pure.  But unlike the rest of us, he stayed that way.  As we grow and mature we make mistakes.  We sin.  Jesus never sinned.  Our sin keeps us out of the presence of God forever.  So God, as a gift of love, gave us his Son.  In a way I can’t explain, Jesus’ purity and innocence made it so that he, who had done no wrong, could take upon himself the price of all our sins so we can, if we choose, return to live with God, our Father.

Because Christ broke the bonds of death, all of us, one day will stand before God with a resurrected perfected body, never to lay it down again.  It is a free gift, to all.

Because of his suffering in Gethsemane and on the cross, He gave us victory over spiritual death as well.  It is also a free gift–but not to all.  It is available to all.  Each of us has to choose to take advantage of this gift.  How?  By repentance, and keeping the Lord’s commandments.

I don’t get it.  I really don’t.  I can’t explain how.  It is a matter of faith.

And that’s the point isn’t it?  If you believe, or don’t believe it is the hope in a new born child that we can better ourselves and grow.

Remember what Christ grew up to do.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, or if you’re an atheist, have a nice day.

 

LIFEZILLA:  I just realized my phone will automatically capitalized the word Internet, but not god…Welcome to the 21st century, where priorities become abundantly clear.