So I’m totally going to plagiarize myself. I posted this last year. I think my site was two days old, I would be surprised if five people read it. Reading over it now I still think it is kind of funny, but there is a bunch I would change, and I was half tempted too today. I would have worked in something like how kissing is shopping upstairs for downstairs merchandise, or how loud obnoxious snoring is my body’s natural way of fighting off affection, or how the difference between love and sex is sex relieves tension and love causes it, or how panties are over priced wrapping paper, or how I think about sex every3.14 seconds (OHMIGOSH…I’m Pi-Sexual!!!) or…bluh, bluh, bluh.
But in the end I decided to keep it as it was.
I hope you like it.
My Thoughts on Valentine’s Day – Redone
First of all, I love my wife. Second of all, I hate Valentine’s Day. HATE IT. To me Valentine’s Day isn’t a foo-foo lacy day, filled with pink hearts that ends up with the two of you doing “married things.” To me it is a day filled with a constant reminder of how I’m a screw up when it comes to love. Where, if I’m LUCKY, we end up doing “married things.”
Jim Gaffigan said it best when, talking about a pitch for Valentines day, he said, “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?”
No gift is appropriate. No gift is the right one. As a man I naturally want my wife in lingerie 24/7. To me it is in similitude to wrapping presents during Christmas. My theory being that it is fun to unwrap them (wicked grin). PFFFFFFFFFF. . . yeah right. It took my new bride (lo those many years ago) about two seconds to explain to me that I’m only giving a gift to myself.
But Valentine’s Day is fun when you are teenager. I remember one time a girl I was kinda dating made me one of the big poster-board signs with candy bars all over it with the names of the bars tying a sentence together. Like this:
Hey “Sweet Tart” it would be worth a “100 Grand” if we blah blah blah. You get the point.
Now, I have only been in one serious relationship, and I married her. So I never went through the “break up” drama. But I always thought it would be fun to break-up using this same concept. Of course if you’re breaking up why confine yourself to only the candy aisle? I say use the whole store.
“Lettuce” call it like it is. I know you think you’re a “Rock Star” but really you’re more of a “Monster.” So let’s take that “Red Bull” face of yours and put it back in the “Vault.” I look at your body and “I can’t believe it’s not butter.” I mean just look at your nasty “Mounds”. Your “eggs” are past the expiration date, and your “Milk” has gone sour. It is seriously a “Country Crock” and gives me the “Snickers” that you believe it would ONLY take a “100 Grand” to get your “Tub O’ Lard” to “Slim Fast.” I don’t want to ever see you again, not “Now or Later.”
Seriously, don’t you think that would be a fun way to break up?
LIFEZILLA: Valentine’s Day, when you care to give her the very best…once a year… grudgingly…because, really, after the hints and nagging, you had no choice.
My wife is actually really good about Valentine’s day. I LOVE HER SOOOO MUCH.
HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY EVERYONE