Memory Lane

Memory Lane

Before I launch into today’s article, I hope you all had an inoffensive politically correct seasonal period of celebratory behavior with variations of traditions and significance!!!  Errrr…I’m sorry.  I hope you all had the Merriest of Christmas’.

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In the “Personal History” category, I thought I would go down memory lane with you.  Many, many years ago the company I work for purchased a program were I could, from my computer, fax my customers a monthly newsletter.  I would write little witty articles about what was going on at work and set the program to fax them after midnight (when the rates were the cheapest), so my customers would have them when they got to the office.

And then when we finally got email,  I would do the same thing, only in email form.  I would have a business related article and then I started adding witty little stories to the article that had NOTHING to do with business.  It was SOOOOO MUCH FUN.

Many years ago I wrote a few things regarding “New Years Resolutions”.  I’m just going to pretty much copy and paste it here.  I changed the dates, removed a name and updated some things, but it is pretty much the same.

I hope you have a happy New Year.

Calvin

New Year’s Resolutions

Shhhhhhh. . . Can you keep a secret?  If you are in an office like mine, then you probably have one of those annoying co-workers who carefully records his New Year’s resolutions, and then, 4 months from now, ridicules those of us who didn’t follow through on our own.  Well, this year I’m outsmarting him.  I’m telling him my resolution this year is “abstinence.”   Moooowahahahaha, let’s see him make fun of me if I happen to get lucky.

I actually do believe in setting goals, and making New Year’s resolutions.  Anyone who knows me knows “Self Improvement” is almost an obsession.  From the time I was a wee little lad my mother taught that “a goal not written down is only a wish.”  So with that in mind I thought I would take this opportunity to chronicle my goals and resolutions for the year 2013.

I resolve:

To exercise less  – Total waste of time

To watch more TV – I’m missing a lot of good stuff

To use my credit cards more often and for bigger purchases – It ticks me off my neighbors have better stuff than I do.

To stop eating fudge, after just these 15 more pieces.  Maybe 20.

To “scoop poop” in the yard BEFORE the Humane Society sends a cease and desist letter.

Too pay bester attension too my speeling and grammer.

To exceed the office “Annual Fitness Goal” by striving to be 7.63% fatter, thus wresting away the good parking spot from that “Slack bastard” I work with.  You know what?  I am not sure I understand the Fitness goals.

To finally get that flatulence-emission reduction surgery. . . . Again.

To be a more caring and attentive father to little What’s-His-Face over there.

To stop basing all my personal decisions on things I learn from watching “Jersey Shore.”

To appear on COPS again, this time wearing a shirt.

To give a little more to Charity. . .thus ensuring her continued silence to the wife.   —–TOTALLY JOKING!!!!

To consider all people worthy of equal attention, no matter how distant they may be. Including that hottie on the 18th floor of the apartment building three blocks away who never uses curtains, especially now that I’ve recently given myself a telescope for Christmas.

To do a better job of keeping the Five Commandments.

To pay less attention to the voices in my head and more attention to the SWAT team surrounding the building. (What the. . . ? You’re kidding me, right?  I don’t know why you’re being all pissy.  I told you I was going to write it down.  You seriously can’t be mad at me.  Oh, that’s reeeeeally mature, ha ha ha, let’s ALL repeat exactly what I’m saying.  Shhhh, all of you!!!  I think they’re still here. Quick!!!  Everyone act natural.  I don’t know!  Like THEY are.  All of you shut up!!!!!)

Pfffffffff.  I’m telling you.  I told them not to do it.  I just haven’t been the same since they took away my blankie.

Hey, now that Christmas is over, can we all agree that the Christmas song, “Baby it’s Cold Outside” is really not so much a song about Christmas as it is about date rape?  I’m serious.  Google the words.

LIFEZILLA:  Your favorite website to “make-out with” on New Year’s Eve.

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PEOPLE

 

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