First of all, I love my wife. Second of all, I hate Valentine’s Day. HATE IT. To me Valentine’s Day isn’t a foo-foo lacy day, filled with pink hearts that ends up with the two of you doing “married things.” To me it is a day filled with a constant reminder of how I’m a screw up when it comes to love. Where, if I’m LUCKY, we end up doing “married things.”
Jim Gaffigan said it best when, talking about a pitch for Valentines day, he said, “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?”
No gift is appropriate. No gift is the right one. As a man I naturally want my wife in lingerie 24/7. To me it is in similitude to wrapping presents during Christmas. My theory being that it is fun to unwrap them (wicked grin). PFFFFFFFFFF. . . yeah right. It took my new bride (lo those many years ago) about two seconds to explain to me that I’m only giving a gift to myself.
But Valentine’s Day is fun when you are teenager. I remember one time a girl I was kinda dating made me one of the big poster-board signs with candy bars all over it with the names of the bars tying a sentence together. Like this:
Hey “Sweet Tart” it would be worth a “100 Grand” if we blah blah blah. You get the point.
Now, I have only been in one serious relationship, and I married her. So I never went through the “break up” drama. But I always thought it would be fun to break-up using this same concept. Of course if you’re breaking up why confine yourself to only the candy aisle? I say use the whole store.
“Lettuce” call it like it is. I know you think you’re a “Rock Star” but really you’re more of a “Monster.” So let’s take that “Red Bull” face of yours and put it back in the “Vault.” I look at your body and “I can’t believe it’s not butter.” I mean just look at your nasty “Mounds”. Your “eggs” are past the expiration date, and your “Milk” has gone sour. It is seriously a “Country Crock” and gives me the “Snickers” that you believe it would ONLY take a “100 Grand” to get your “Tub O’ Lard” to “Slim Fast.” I don’t want to ever see you again, not “Now or Later.”
Seriously, don’t you think that would be a fun way to break up?