My thoughts on Valentine’s Day…

 

First of all, I love my wife.  Second of all, I hate Valentine’s Day.  HATE IT.  To me Valentine’s Day isn’t a foo-foo lacy day, filled with pink hearts that ends up with the two of you doing “married things.”  To me it is a day filled with a constant reminder of how I’m a screw up when it comes to love.  Where, if I’m LUCKY, we end up doing “married things.”

Jim Gaffigan said it best when, talking about a pitch for Valentines day, he said, “How about a holiday all about awkwardness and failed expectations?”

No gift is appropriate.  No gift is the right one.  As a man I naturally want my wife in lingerie 24/7.  To me it is in similitude to wrapping presents during Christmas.  My theory being that it is fun to unwrap them (wicked grin).  PFFFFFFFFFF. . . yeah right. It took my new bride (lo those many years ago) about two seconds to explain to me that I’m only giving a gift to myself.

But Valentine’s Day is fun when you are teenager.  I remember one time a girl I was kinda dating made me one of the big poster-board signs with candy bars all over it with the names of the bars tying a sentence together.  Like this:

Hey “Sweet Tart” it would be worth a “100 Grand” if we blah blah blah.  You get the point.

Now, I have only been in one serious relationship, and I married her.  So I never went through the “break up” drama.  But I always thought it would be fun to break-up using this same concept.  Of course if you’re breaking up why confine yourself to only the candy aisle?  I say use the whole store.

“Lettuce” call it like it is.  I know you think you’re a “Rock Star” but really you’re more of a “Monster.”  So let’s take that “Red Bull” face of yours and put it back in the “Vault.”  I look at your body and “I can’t believe it’s not butter.”  I mean just look at your nasty “Mounds”.  Your “eggs” are past the expiration date, and your “Milk” has gone sour.  It is seriously a “Country Crock” and gives me the “Snickers” that you believe it would ONLY take a “100 Grand” to get your “Tub O’ Lard” to “Slim Fast.”  I don’t want to ever see you again, not “Now or Later.”

Seriously, don’t you think that would be a fun way to break up?

One response to “My thoughts on Valentine’s Day…

  1. I’m totally breaking up with my next boyfriend like that.. Haha!!

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